I’ll Keep You With Me

I don’t know why this anniversary is particularly difficult. They’re all difficult, but this one, specifically, has been harder. I wish I knew why.

He’s been gone half my life. 

It’s difficult to think that. It’s downright fucking painful, but it’s true. We were together, off and on, for a little over a year, and then he was gone. I was 17. He was 20. I’ve been without him for nearly six times the length we were together.

I’m 14 years older than he ever got to be.  I have 14 years of knowledge and experience that he never had.

It doesn’t make anything easier.

Would we still be together? Would he be proud of me, and how I’ve used his inspiration in my career direction? 

There’s a hole in my heart, shaped like him, that I don’t know if it’ll ever fill back in. Maybe I’m afraid it will. I still have photos that his mother gave me… but I don’t remember the sound of his voice.

What else am I forgetting?

God, I miss him.

I’ll bury your memories in the garden

And watch them grow with the flowers in spring

I’ll keep you with me

Cigarettes & Saints – The Wonder Years